You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
