Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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