It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
