why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My Sexting was not on an AP level
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