every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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