apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
