my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
