I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
