Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
