I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
