guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Did I show you my penis last night?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
