There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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