Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
