u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
two words: eviction party
Actions speak louder than pants.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
