Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
