end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
