Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
