dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
