At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
accomplished twins. life is a go
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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