I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
We left an ass print on the piano.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
