just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Life without a bra equals bliss.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
