Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
