and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
