True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
