If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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