Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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