I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize
