I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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