I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
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