Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Randomize
