He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
