I only kidnapped one of them. chill
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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