dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
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