Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
