dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
