I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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