i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
