why didn't you poke me back
i was born a porn star she said
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
