i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
