The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
