ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
