tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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