Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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