if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
