My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
