I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
