We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
