I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
