So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
