The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
